Today I Cried

 Today I cried.

I had previously had a great morning. A wake-up hug from Manny and then a warm shower under the heater fan that just got fixed this week in our master bath. I’d made myself coffee in the most beautiful kitchen I thought I'd never own, and then one of my closest friends invited me out for brunch! I hummed around as I gathered my things, finding them all right where I expected them to be, and ran out the door to meet her.  It was a good Friday morning!

Not long after, I turned up at First German where Manny greeted me with a kiss on the cheek in front of his whole class, (GOLLY!) and insisted I sit and wait in his classroom with him until the bus loaded them all up to go. It made my heart so happy to see how much he wanted me there. God gave me him.

As I sat, I watched the other 5th- 8th graders get their snow gear on and thought back to my own weekend ski trip as a middle schooler. Back then, I didn’t own my own snow pants. I didn’t have my own pajamas. I didn’t even have friends. My experience had been a 48 hour long episode of shame and humiliation, and I hid my face until it was over. So today, I brought along a spare pair of snow pants and looked around for a kid who might need some, or for an outsider sitting around unexcited, but I didn’t find either. I thanked God for our First German family. God gave me that.

Before taking off, I put on my own fancy adult snow pants and a pair of winter boots I got from Macy’s for $12 a few years ago on clearance. I thanked God that Manny and I had all we needed and more today. What a different experience it was for him at his middle school Winter event. God gave me that.

Next thing I knew, I was driving alone in my van, singing along to One Headlight, by Radio, following behind 2 school busses full of First German kids on their way to Kewanee Winter Park for a snow tubing day.

The lyrics played:

Hey-ey-ey
Come on try a little, nothing is forever
Got to be something better than in the middle
Me and Cinderella, we put it all together
We can drive it home with one headlight
 

I didn't really know what the song was about, but as I sang it, I remembered my days of conjuring up the gumption to “put it all together” and “drive it home with one headlight.” Images of my NO-car days! The day I walked a sick, little baby Myah 2 blocks in a winter storm to the doctor’s office to confirm RSV and get her admitted to the hospital. She struggled to breathe before we even left, and I worried about her breathing through the wind, but worried even more about waiting any longer at home with no car. 

I remembered one of my first cars, and how the back windows didn't roll up, and the girls having to brave the cold wind all the way to their daycare so that I could get to work. 

I remembered even, the way, WAY back days, as a kid, when my mom’s actual headlights were out and her tags were expired, and the worry I felt that she might get caught again driving with no license and go to jail.

I thanked God I didn’t have to worry about that today, and that Manny didn’t have to worry about that. Today, my gas tank was full. The van ran well and blended in between the other parent's cars. I thanked God out loud. “Thank you, God, thank you, God, thank you, God.” I said it repetitively. I knew I had so much to be thankful for.

The notifications chimed from my work phone in the passenger seat as I drove, so I glanced to find a conversation of workers praising me. They'd said that certain things make them want to pull their hair out, so they’re thankful to know I’m there to find the solutions. I grinned. WIDELY. I probably raised my eyebrows. I do bust my butt. I mean, I do. I'm smart! I can double the work in half the time, I told myself. I know they see it. I got a rush from the recognition. Sometimes it doesn't seem worth it otherwise. I drove along and tooted my own horn. Not the van horn! My own. I patted myself on the back.

Instantly, still driving, the Holy Ghost spoke to me. “I gave you that, too, you know.” “I gave you all those skills. Every strength.” I got a flashback of who I "used to be”. All the stupid things I’d done and said and participated in. All the mistakes people witnessed me make, and the ones nobody knows about. Yuk, I thought. Embarrassing. I used to be the dirty neighbor kid that nobody wanted their kids hanging out with. I was from the "can't keep a job" camp. I thought back. Long before I ever taught parenting education to negligent parents, I was a pregnant teenager, smoking cigarettes on the sidewalk while I waited for my own teen parenting class to start. I humbled my heart and thanked God again for pulling me out and developing me. Making something of the mess I was.

God supplied every single thing. So anyway, I cried. And then I enjoyed the rest of my day with Manny. 

The Christian in My Conservative

As the holiday season rolls in, I’ve found myself once again in this overwhelming state of reflection and thankfulness for all I have. The provision that’s been provided to my family and I is immeasurable and sometimes causes me to pause and thank God at random times. 

I remember one night last year, reading in the dark and quiet with my feet propped up on the couch in front of me. I assume my mind was fixed on what I was reading, when for some reason I looked up and caught the view of what was in front of me: a desk with a candle burning, which was shining light on photos of my kids displayed on the wall above it. I was almost startled by how cozy I was and how peaceful everything felt around me. It was like I was looking at the room for the first time. My living room was pretty, especially in the low light where no imperfections were visible. I remember thinking about how thankful I was that my three kids who were asleep upstairs might never even notice the overwhelming presence of peace that slapped me in the face just then, because they’d never experienced the absence of it. Then, I thought about others outside my walls who, in contrast, might not ever notice the absence of peace in their lives, as they’d never experienced peace to compare it to. That thought is what ultimately motivates the desire in me to reach back and do whatever I can to bring this feeling to someone else. 

But what about the person on the other end? I don’t have to look far to find someone in need, but sometimes often, after identifying an area of need and going out of my way to meet it, I subsequently recognize a behavioral culprit in them as a contributing cause for the deficit in their lives in the first place, and soon, I find that person I helped back in the very same position I worked to help them out of. Taking time, money and resources from my family, and filling my mind, heart, attention and prayers with the status of someone else’s life, is and will forever be worth it for me, and a small price to pay in order to watch someone cross over from bondage and lack into peace. But, watching them take that sacrifice of mine and throw it away to end up exactly where they began is both infuriating and sorrowful, sometimes more sorrowful for me than the person! Why? This person can’t fathom the rewarding life on the other side. I am on a journey of learning when and what to give of myself, being careful to use the correct resources for a more positive outcome. Is every person worth it? Yes. Every. Single. Person. Will every person always benefit from me providing a need? No, and giving without proper evaluation of the situation and mindset of the recipient might set them back and waste a resource that could positively affect them or someone else at another time. 

THIS IS THE CONSERVATIVE IN ME

Recently, I've identified what I think may be the most valuable gift available to give:

GRACE

To be very honest, when you watch someone show up for a free Thanksgiving meal or school supplies for the 3rd, 4th, 5th year in a row, it's easy to look at their weakness with shame. The thoughts cloud me:

“Shame on them for showing up for free food with a pack of cigarettes hanging out of

their pocket.”

“Shame on them for receiving free school clothes when they drive such a nice car. I wish I could afford that car!” 

“Shame on them for depriving their children of an example and the satisfaction of diligence and self-management.”

Then God reprimands me: Tina, they don’t even know. This is a lesson they haven’t learned. 
He reminds me that our shortcomings do have the potential to steal from us, and those who help us, but they will never determine our worth.

And I think back to when I was a child and knew it was wrong to steal, but focused on how unfair it was that my mom never took me to buy all the cool toys everyone else had, so I stole them, and justified it within myself. I think back to when I was a teenager and I knew it was wrong to skip school, but I didn’t really understand the benefits of good grades and how that could have saved me thousands on college and really paved the way to a successful future. I think back to when I was a young mom and I didn’t notice the lack of nutrients I was feeding my kids or grasp the consequences that an unhealthy diet and lack of self control could have on them later in life. I think back to when I based my Christianity on the ties I had created with other godly people, and the disservice that did to my spiritual walk- and therefore my whole life- by substituting a personal relationship with God, with a personal relationship with someone who had a lot of wisdom and would do the praying for me. I think about all the times I’ve been too outspoken about worries, knowing it was something to take control of and put out of my mind instead of entertaining, and how those anxious tendencies have grown over time to affect my kids and their thought processes. I didn’t understand the magnitude.

Thankfully, I’ve learned a lesson or two. How many more lessons have I to learn? I’ll never fully arrive to perfection, and neither will you.  Have I forgotten that we are all just a world of people walking around flawed, making the same mistakes again and again, not even fully aware of the freedom we'd experience if we'd just put our foot down and make the change; make the sacrifice; kick the habit; get the job; open the bible. Grace is everything. The message of Grace is what gives us the boldness to receive salvation, a free gift, and paves the way for maturity and advancement.

I can’t help but think of the people who have helped me to attain peace. How they knew better than I did and knew that I should know better, too. They lived in their own peaceful, pretty living rooms, but stepped into my chaos without judgement. They identified my behavioral deficits, but instead of saying, “shame on her,” gracefully accepted me anyway, and wisely used their resources at the right time to grab my attention, causing me to look to them as an example. I pray to always have someone nearby who is a step ahead. I hope that with love in their tone, they look past my mistakes; that they deny me the unfruitful, temporary handout that will enable me to continue on a path that leads to lack, but that they also conserve their resources of wisdom and instruction for a time in my life when I will put it to good use, so that I can do the same for someone else who is seemingly undeserving, when the right opportunity presents itself. And when the right opportunity does present itself, l pray that I will give even when it costs, because it’s not our mistakes that define us. It’s who we haven’t yet discovered we are. 

THIS IS THE CHRISTIAN IN ME

Perfecting School Preparations

Tonight, as the very last day of summer came to an end and we prepared for the first day of the new school year tomorrow, my brain typed up a blog post bragging about my back-to-school themed mom-victory.

Enter stage: I. Have. Arrived. People.

My eyes were so satisfied with the sight when I opened the fridge at the end of my work to see piles of perfectly portioned bags of fresh fruit, neatly rolled protein balls, straight rows of juice boxes, homemade pickle dip and cracker pouches and shredded chicken salad. Ladies, I’ve finally come up with a healthy, fool-proof, grab-and go breakfast and lunch menu. (Well, I mean…for one week.) It only took an entire day of shopping and prep! Woop woop-Mom of the Year! (+10 mom points)

As I neared the end of the day, my focus changed from my babies tummies to their hearts. So, in my effortless mom-ness, I quickly wrote out a first day of school lunch note to each kid on scrap paper and shoved it in their lunch boxes. (+10 mom points)

Enters reality: To be honest, I start every year with intentions to be SUPERMOM and by week 3, my kids walk out the door with a slice of bologna between 2 end pieces of the bread loaf because I didn’t make it to the grocery store… again. (I'm usually rushing behind them with unwashed hair.) BUT fail and fail and fail as I might, I will always be the annoying one to get back up and try an impossible task again. Impossible tasks like having a week of healthy breakfast and lunch items ready and at their fingertips. (A for effort?)

After the house got quiet tonight, the most important preparation came up. This one trumps all other prep work, moms (and dads). Prayer. Thankfully, prayer covers every area we miss it. It covers their food consumption (Mark 16:18), it guards their hearts, it guards their ears. It prepares their relationships, their brains to retain or reject information. As I prayed for my kids tonight, every care began to fall off of me. I may miss it, or fail, or fall off the wagon, but God never does! He loves my babies more than I do. They were His first! Tonight I spent extra time praying for each of my kids. I don't always do that every night, but all year long in the mornings, we do a pretty general prayer WITH the kids on the way to school, making sure they hear it.

Instead of a picture of my fridge,  I’ll include that prayer below. I hope you’ll use it and build off of it! Prayer. Changes. Everything.

"Thank you for this day, Lord! Today is a day You have made!  ______ is here for a special reason today! Lord, be with _____ as she go through her day today. Give her Your favor through her classmates and teachers. God, send angels all around her to protect her against any attack of the enemy. I thank You that no weapon formed against her will prosper in Jesus name. God, give _____ ears to hear all that she should be hearing today. Give her focus and attention. God, that she would be obedient to teachers and authority. Help her brain to soak up any information she should learn. But Lord, guard her heart and her eye gates and her ear gates from anything that rises up against Your Word. Lord, bring ______ good friends and good relationships and cut off any relationships that would hinder her. Help her to be a light to the people around her. And God, help her to recognize her gifts and talents, and to know who she is in YOU! To be confident and courageous and set apart in Jesus name. Amen!"

Altogether Accountability

Calling all moms: I really like to have a Can-Do attitude when I come at you here, but can we be honest? I think we all can agree that it often feels like three quarters of parenting is repeating the same thing over and over again like a broken record. (At least I hope I'm not the only one.) Someone reassure me!
Coincidentally, I don't know if it's just me or maybe I'm weird, but one of my personal biggest pet peeves is any sort of noisy repetition. I have to REALLY hold onto my patience if I hear anyone say something several times in a row, like, when the kids, all in one accord, make up a silly sing and clap song and sing it repetitively for 10 minutes. I HAVE to stop them by the 4th or 5th time around. "It's a cool song, guys, but you just have to stop."
Or, when my 11 year old yells, "Stop it!" 3 times toward the back of the van at her younger siblings who keep kicking her seat. Why didn't they stop the first time? Why did it need to be said 3 times? My blood instantly starts boiling by the third repetitive remark. (Still just me?)
Unfortunately, my career of choice (Career Mom, at your service) puts me in a position to have to deal with this daily. Now I'm forced to hear MYSELF repeat things again and again. TORTURE! Am I the only one who says the following statements to 3 or more different kids 3 times a day? (Yes, that's at least 9 times that I repeat these statements DAILY.)

"Go brush your teeth.... I said go brush your teeth. Did you brush your teeth?"
"Don't forget to floss. ... Did you floss?"
"Hang your coat..... Pick up your coat. ... Where's your coat?"
"Pick up your shoes."
"Shut the front door. Why is the door open? IT'S COLD OUT! SHUT THE DOOOOOR!"

I sometimes get in these "poor me" moods where I feel like every second of my day is being wasted talking to THE WALL! Is this it for me? What have I done today that I won't have to repeat tomorrow? Have I made any headway in their brains at all?  I now understand every annoying iconic statement my mother made to me when I was a child.

"Am I talking to the wall?"
"Don't make me tell you again."
"I feel like I'm wasting my breath."

I don't want to be that mom.

At the same time, the repetition comes with the job! The fact is that most of the time, we're not just trying to instruct our kids to do a single task. Our frustration comes from seeing the task for what it is singularly when usually, we're really trying to help them form a habit to complete that task on their own daily. Let's think of ourselves for a minute and all the goals and habits we're trying to form in our daily lives. I've had a goal of drinking 16 ounces of water first thing in the morning for YEARS and I still haven't made it a habit. I imagine if my mother were the one requiring that habit, she would still be repeating herself every morning to me, "Did you drink your water yet? Where's your water? Did you finish your water?" But I would be too busy with some other idea or task that took precedence.
We've all heard the "21 days to form a habit" idea, but I did a quick google search and came across an article that referenced a book called "Making Habits, Breaking Habits" by Per Dean. I'll re-share the excerpt:

"The simple answer is that, on average, across the participants who provided enough data, it took 66 days until a habit was formed. As you might imagine, there was considerable variation in how long habits took to form depending on what people tried to do. People who resolved to drink a glass of water after breakfast were up to maximum automaticity after about 20 days, while those trying to eat a piece of fruit with lunch took at least twice as long to turn it into a habit. The exercise habit proved most tricky with '50 sit-ups after morning coffee,' still not a habit after 84 days for one participant. 'Walking for 10 minutes after breakfast,' though, was turned into a habit after 50 days for another participant. ...Indeed, overall, the researchers were surprised by how slowly habits seemed to form. Although the study only covered 84 days, by extrapolating the curves, it turned out that some of the habits could have taken around 254 days to form -- the better part of a year! What this research suggests is that 21 days to form a habit is probably right, as long as all you want to do is drink a glass of water after breakfast. Anything harder is likely to take longer to become a really strong habit, and, in the case of some activities, much longer."

I was kind of kicking myself as I read this to prepare my post. As annoying as it is for me to repeat myself again and again, I can imagine it's just as tiring to my kids to keep hearing it. Let alone, falling under the wrath of my anger at their inability to form the habit in the unreasonable time frame I expected, and likely without the proper consistency either. Do I think they purposely under-perform the tasks I've asked of them? NO!

Paul talks about the works of his flesh in Romans 7:15-25.

"15 I don’t understand what I do. I don’t do what I want to do. Instead, I do what I hate to do. 16 I do what I don’t want to do. So I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, I am no longer the one who does these things. It is sin living in me that does them. 18 I know there is nothing good in my desires controlled by sin. I want to do what is good, but I can’t. 19 I don’t do the good things I want to do. I keep on doing the evil things I don’t want to do. 20 I do what I don’t want to do. But I am not really the one who is doing it. It is sin living in me that does it.21 Here is the law I find working in me. When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 Deep inside me I find joy in God’s law. 23 But I see another law working in me. It fights against the law of my mind. It makes me a prisoner of the law of sin. That law controls me. 24 What a terrible failure I am! Who will save me from this sin that brings death to my body? 25 I give thanks to God who saves me. He saves me through Jesus Christ our Lord."

You can swap out the words "sin" and "evil" for "flesh," meaning, our natural body's desire.
I included verses 21-25 to point out the Grace of God. How thankful I am that we serve a God who saved us despite our short comings!! God, teach me to be so patient with my own kids, as you are with us all.
So what do we do? Well, first of all, if they're going to successfully form the habits I feel they need in order to live the upright lives I believe they're called to, they will need consistent instruction from me. AND if I'm going to be able to provide that, I need Jesus. Really. Let's face it. The Holy Spirit is where we draw the strength we need to reach outside of our natural behaviors and grasp new heights. They don't call Him the Helper for nothin'.

"John 14:25 "I have spoken all these things while I am still with you. 26 But the Father will send the Friend in my name to help you. The Friend is the Holy Spirit. He will teach you all things. He will remind you of everything I have said to you. 27 I leave my peace with you. I give my peace to you. I do not give it to you as the world does. Do not let your hearts be troubled. And do not be afraid."

I needed this reminder today, so I'm thankful to have made time to write this to you, and to myself. (Newsflash: These posts are always for me.) I beat myself up, and my family up far too often and when it comes down to it, the only thing I can do to make any advancement is to get back to Jesus.
             
 Now that I've written ^ all of the previous unplanned text, I will get to the part that I originally set out to share:

When it comes to consistent instruction, I've found it extremely helpful and burden lifting on all people involved, to find and insert fun, new ways to administer that instruction. Just like any habit making, we all could benefit from a little accountability. Here's a fun little game I made up to play over the course of 6(ish) weeks, to make "daily task" accomplishments a little more exciting in the Salinas House:

                              "WANNA BET?"

Tomas to brought home a roll of quarters to distribute to each of the kids. They each started with 6 quarters in their cups. Each week, I wrote a new "BET" on the board in the kitchen, and left an empty jar for them to add a quarter to if they "wished" to participate. (Thankfully, they all wished to participate, because if they tried to opt out, I'd just force them..) On Sundays, I write a bet for the week. This week's bet is "Bet you can't go a week without leaving your bedroom light on!" They each put 25 cents in the bet jar. Tomas and I matched the bet with another 75 cents of our own from "the house." Throughout the week, I record who messes up or forgets and how many times. The kid who does the best, wins. If there's a tie, the pot is split between the winners.
The best part: I'm not allowed to tell them anything. For instance, we did a week on making their beds. Not once that week was I allowed to say, "Make your bed." 

NO REPEATING MYSELF about their bedroom lights for one whole week?!?! Sign me up! This game has been a HUGE HIT! Do I think this 6 week game is going to conclusively shape the habits I'm highlighting? No, but for 6 weeks, I have a little help in providing instruction, and the kids get a little relief from my constant nagging. A very special mom who I look up to even sent the kids $10 to award the top winner at the end of the 6 weeks!
This game isn't going to work forever. I'm looking for your fun ideas. If you don't have one of your own to share in the comments below, I'm challenging you to create one, or to find a fun game online and share it below. My 6 weeks is almost up, and I'm looking to find something new and fun to start afterwards.

Parenting is a tough job! But we can help each other to make the road a little more enjoyable!

Here's to parents everywhere,
God Bless Your Home and Family,
Tina

What About Me-Afterthoughts

When I set off on this endeavor to define and uncover the truth about sex, particularly in response to the way culture is writing it for us, I had a specific audience in mind. Although I hoped this message would be spread and talked about to people of both genders and of all ages and different situations, when I imagined the reader, I imagined someone like me.

As for Me: Though my words on paper may seem so eloquently spoken … I’m not really all that smart and fancy. If you know me personally, you know that. I’ve tried my best to seek God about this topic, and to reflect Him, not to portray MY perfect life. Does the Word say not to withhold your body from your spouse? Yes. Have I rolled the other way and ignored my husband when I knew he was desiring my attention? More times than I can count. Often times, I find myself encouraging others in things that I need the encouragement in most. My marriage isn’t roses and chocolates. Actually there’s like, never roses now that I think of it, and we’ve both gotta lay off the chocolate. We bicker, we have day to day pressures, we disagree about the kids, we say things we don’t mean, or don’t follow through on things we promised we’d do. Sometimes, I don’t want to have sex with him not because I'm too tired, but because I'm peeved! There! I said it! This woman I’m describing is the woman I imagined being my audience because in my messy, normal, imperfect marriage, love-making truly is a flame fanner and game changer. As I’ve pointed out throughout the last 3 posts, I believe sex is a tool to aid and support your marriage if used in the right way.

BUT, what if you’re not like me? What if you’re not that audience? I’ve compiled a few scenarios, because I feel these are important things to discuss.

To The Wife Ashamed of their Sex Drive: As I pointed out in the last post, "Fan the Flame", it’s been said that many women have a lower libido than men. Let me rephrase that. I encourage you to research and verify this. It will help you if you’re struggling on either side of this. Studies show that women’s sexual drive often stems from their psychological or emotional realm, whereas testosterone is the trigger for men. Often times, women aren’t in tune with their sexual desire at all until their husband makes the first move, like a kiss on the neck, for instance. It’s very common for a women’s sexual desire to be responsive to their spouse. This is why I said, “Roll your tired body over, it will be worth it.” For me, I don’t always feel like it at first. He usually has to make the first move. The desire is there, but hidden. Many women think there’s something wrong with them because they "never want sex without a bunch of work first". On the other side of that, many OTHER women DO have a strong sex drive. Maybe you’re the wife who always taps your husband on the shoulder and says, “Come here!” If this is you, that's normal! Seriously, Look at 1 Corinthians 7:2-4. He wasn’t just telling the wives to give it up. Husbands have to hear it, too.

To the Wife With the Abuse Husband: Whether your husband is physically harming you, or you’re just so emotionally traumatized from the effects of your relationship that you’re afraid of him for whatever reason, I would not be directing you to give yourself over out of intimidation. Above all else, remember what sex was designed to reflect. “I love you. You love me.” There are special times when it's appropriate for both parties to agree to abstain. I encourage you to seek Godly counseling.

To the Wife Struggling with their Husband's Porn Addiction: There’s too many of you that this applies to. I say that because I want you to know that you’re not alone. I know that this subject effects you in a deeper way than it might affect others. I haven’t experienced your feelings of betrayal. I can only imagine the hay-day that Satan has had placing lies in your head that would have you selling yourself short as you compare yourself to the other women you might see in the videos you know your husband has watched. Out “performing” these sex acts won’t cure what has taken hold of him. It’s so important that you and your spouse understand the difference between connecting intimately, or just using each other’s bodies as a vessel to fulfill your erotic fantasies. It shouldn’t feel like your husband is doing something TO you. It should feel like he is doing something WITH you. This difference is what this entire series is about. If you haven’t sought Godly counsel, I’d encourage you to do it. There are so many like you, men and women, that struggle with porn addiction. It won’t be the bomb you expect it to be when you get it off your chest to a trusted counselor, mentor or friend. If you’re at a place where you feel comfortable engaging in sex, I’d really focus on intimacy. Slow down. Let your actions say what sex is supposed to be reflecting in your marriage. “I love you. You love me. We’re in this together.” You can both overcome with love, prayer and patience.

To the Wife Whose Tired of Doing Right: As I close this whole thing, part of me wants to start a whole new series titled, “God’s Will for Husbands” where I would outline all the things that husbands are SUPPOSED to be doing! HA! I’m sure all of you have plenty of ideas for those posts. The hard truth is, my duties as a wife are not contingent upon whether or not Tomas fulfills his duties as a husband and father. That means I don’t get out of my obligations as soon as he has a bad day or comes up short (No matter how tempting it may be). Withholding sex from your partner isn't an effective way to modify their behavior. I've heard though, that those 15-30 minutes after sex is a really good time to connect and talk to your spouse without the usual distractions. Above all, pray. Prayer changes everything.

On that note, I’m going to finish with this. A couple who are very close to me have gone to hell and back in their marriage over the years in so many ways. I can’t begin to tell you what they’ve walked through. God is doing major work in them, but I know a lot of what they’ve already overcome has to do with the fact that there has been so much honest prayer. Recently, they were at a marriage seminar, where a special speaker called for married couples who needed prayer to come forward. Both this husband and wife knew they were to go up to the alter, but neither moved. Previously that week, the wife happened to have a knee injury. As they stood there frozen, the wife complained to her husband about her knee. The speaker continued with the alter call. “I know there’s one more couple. Where are you? We’ll wait.” Still, they didn’t go up. Finally, the speaker said, “The couple that needs to come forward, I think one of you has a knee injury.” My friends looked at each other and knew they had to overcome themselves and go up to be ministered to.

We like to think that it’s just us in our marriage but God cares for us even more than we care for each other. He's walking out our struggles with us. He was adamant about getting my friends to the altar for prayer. He's just as passionate about you! There's power available for you. Tap into that.

Til next time,

Tina

Fan the Flame

Whew.. okay. I guess this is it. Everything I’m about to share, I really feel needs to be said, and I’m not a person that knows how to be vague, I guess. I’ve tried to write this in a way that is impersonal, but I’m not an impersonal writer and so, now Tomas’ sex life is your business. That’s just the price I’m willing to pay. I’ll find out how he feels about this later. :P

First off, if you’ve been following along, now is about time for the kicker. I know this is going to come as a HUGE shock.

MEN LOVE SEX

They’re sexually motivated! It’s like... their achilles heel. Women, you could probably compare men’s physical receptors to our emotional receptors. The way we women might receive love from kind words or a thought out picnic on the beach, men receive love when we make time for a hanky-panky session at home on their lunch break in the middle of a busy work day. {Want bonus points? Have a turkey and cheese sandwich ready for the road back to work.}

In all seriousness, I truly can tell when my husband has gone a little too long without, but it’s not just him. Men’s bodies were designed to crave sex on a more physical level than women. Let’s see how Solomon and his wife describe each other.

Solomon says:

Song of Solomon 4:12-15 A garden inclosed is my sister, my spouse; a spring shut up, a fountain sealed. Thy plants are an orchard of pomegranates, with pleasant fruits; camphire, with spikenard, Spikenard and saffron; calamus and cinnamon, with all trees of frankincense; myrrh and aloes, with all the chief spices: A fountain of gardens, a well of living waters, and streams from Lebanon.
Song of Solomon 7:6-9 How fair and pleasant you are, O loved one, delectable maiden! You are stately as a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters. I say I will climb the palm tree and lay hold of its branches. Oh, may your breasts be like clusters of the vine, and the scent of your breath like apples, and your kisses like the best wine that goes down smoothly, gliding over lips and teeth.

Their eyes were designed to be attracted to breasts and booties and skin! Oh, how the world has it backwards. “I should be able to wear what I WANT at the beach! Men need to learn to control themselves!”

Okay, you’re right ladies. You can wear whatever you want, and men are ultimately in control of where their eyes and attention go. Yes, men have the responsibility not to give into lustful desires of the women within their midst. But, please understand that there is a strong physical urge that takes place in men’s bodies even from an early age. Do we realize what we are asking of men when we walk in front of them in bikinis? Do we realize what we are doing when we put our children in skimpy clothes in front of them? COME. ON! Don’t put them in that position. I don’t want my husband or son to be aroused by your half exposed booty. Especially since I’m having a hard time committing myself to these nightly squats.  

But a strong sexual desire is a natural, and important thing that God designed. Why else would it be included in scripture? For starters, it’s a way to fan the flame of our marriage! Remember the previous posts? We are here to fulfill our husbands sexual appetites because God knew they would HAVE sexual appetites .

Think about this: While men are jonesing for the physical release that sex provides, women are often looking for the emotional connection first. The orgasm is a glorious reward. Glorious.

Solomon’s Wife:

Song of Songs 8:5-7 Under the apple tree I roused you; there your mother conceived you, there she who was in labor gave you birth. Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away. If one were to give all the wealth of one’s house for love, it would be utterly scorned.

And there you have it. We’ve got a win/win, right? Every marital sex life is virtually perfect because of this trade off between husband and wife. WRONG. Or, maybe I’m the only one who struggles with fulfilling 1 Corinthians 7:5. Remember that one?

1 Corinthians 7:2-5 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

“Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and just for a time, maybe for serious prayer, but then be sure to come together!”

Sometimes I kinda wish I didn’t know any better. Tomas has never rolled over in bed and tenderly whispered in my ear, “Ya know what the Word says. GIVE IT UP, woman!” Unfortunately, he doesn’t have to tell me anything. I already know when it’s been too long. You wouldn’t think it would affect the household that much, but it does. Dad’s mood affects us all. I know what you’re thinking. What kind of spoiled rotten bully of a man throws a fit around the house when he doesn’t get his fix? That’s not what I mean. I mean, literally, men are in better moods when they’re satisfied. I don’t know if he REALLY even knows the difference in his demeanor, but I do.

I asked him once, “How many days do you go before you think your mood or day is affected negatively by not having sex?” It was an honest question following some marriage curriculum we had been watching.

He said, “Of course, a man’s desire for sex is new every day, but by about day 3, watching my wife bend over to get something from the oven or off the floor gets a lot more difficult.” He just gets frustrated. His body really desires it, and he LIVES with me, so I’m just walking around all day, like bait, in a way, and when we go to lay down, and I roll over the opposite way and just ignore him and fall asleep…WOW!

Having that conversation was really enlightening. AND extremely flattering!

The problem is, while yes, we women LOVE the physical satisfaction of sex, it takes us a little longer to get to a physical readiness that men seem to walk around in All. Day. Long. and frankly, no matter how close to Heaven the last orgasm took us, by the time we finish packing lunches, doing the dishes, tucking the kids in, showering, walking the dog, and then re-tucking the kids in, we wonder, do we really need that emotional connection? I mean, how good REALLY is the sex? Better than sleep? It’s kind of hard to remember when the pillow is sooo soft.

Ladies, it’s better than sleep. It really, really is worth missing the sleep. I know you don’t feel like it (at first). Maybe it’s been a little while so it's hard to remember just how good it is, but roll your tired body over and give him everything you have. Tell him you love him. I’m confident that as you make this commitment to consistently serve your husband, you will be SERVED, mind, body and spirit.

One more scripture from the quite revealing book of Song of Solomon. The bride of Solomon sings of her longing for her love. She wanted him desperately! This is the flame that I'm desperate to keep alive in my marriage.

Song of Songs 3:1-4 Restless in bed and sleepless through the night, I longed for my lover. I wanted him desperately. His absence was painful. So I got up, went out and roved the city, hunting through streets and down alleys. I wanted my lover in the worst way! I looked high and low, and didn’t find him. And then the night watchmen found me as they patrolled the darkened city.

“Have you seen my dear lost love?” I asked. No sooner had I left them than I found him, found my dear lost love. I threw my arms around him and held him tight, wouldn’t let him go until I had him home again, safe at home beside the fire.

Recently, our family went to a drive-in for the first time and watched a cartoon movie called “Captain Underpants.” In the movie, I heard a joke. Two cartoon adults had hearts all around them as they flirted while two little cartoon boys looked at them with disgust.

One said, “EWE! They ‘LIKE-LIKE’ each other!”

The other said, “I’ve never seen that in two adults.”

The first again, “Yeah, in all my years of studies, I’ve found it doesn’t happen after marriage.”

It didn’t sit well with me. Marriage is the closest representation that we have of the relationship between Jesus and His Church. We are His Bride. Even with that aside, divorce is real. It’s no laughing matter and the numbers prove that. The devil has a plan to attack YOUR family and split it apart. Driving a wedge between you and your spouse is a good way to do it.

Go on a date. Play rummy after you put the kids to bed. Hold hands on the couch. Make inside jokes and laugh about them when you're surrounded by other people and for cripes sake: Be sure to fan the flame!

Sex in Marriage

I keep trying to skip over this part in my head. It would be a lot faster and easier to go straight to the topic of sex without having to get into the importance of marriage.

Let’s think about that for a second.

{Skip right over marriage and dive right into sex.}

That’s why I have to start here. Isn’t that exactly what the world is trying to do? If we really want to learn all that sex is, we need to start with marriage.

Sex was created for marriage. It was created to support, enhance and reflect the meaning of marriage.

Why marriage?

Several years ago, I was on a plane ride home from Washington D.C. when I learned a life-changing lesson from the Lord about covenants. If I were to go into all I have learned about the topic, this whole sex thing would be stretched way further than I want to go, and I might lose your attention before I even gain it, but if you’re interested, I urge you to study biblical covenants. It may give you an astounding revelation of your commitment to your spouse and children. It has been foundational for me.

Bottom line is this: When God makes covenants (promises), they’re life or death. There is no backing out of it. This should be said about us all. I think we fall short of this so often and easily. Our word should be our bond. Is it?

Marriage is a covenant. It’s a promise that God witnesses-you could say it's a promise to God, Himself, and most definitely to each other that this person you’re taking to be yours, is yours forever. In sickness and health. In trials and triumph. Even when your spouse loses their job. Even when you can’t conceive a child together. Even when they fail to defend you against their family members’ harsh words, or when your teenager starts failing school or taking drugs. Even when the house won’t sell or they become paralyzed. A covenant is a covenant. To God, there’s very few stipulations to nullify a covenant, if any. I believe if we lived by these standards, we’d see a very different world.

The start and end date of a covenant marriage is just a small detail of that covenant. What are you promising to do? I hope you know, it’s not just living together and splitting the bills and chores!

Matthew 19:4-6 And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female,

And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?

Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

Upon the day of your testimony before God, the two of you shall become one. One person to God. Where he is weak, you bring strength. You become your spouse’s right leg, or left arm, and he/she becomes yours. You just happen to live in two separate bodies. If you have a hard time preferring your spouse over yourself, I encourage you to retrain your mind and reorganize your lives to reflect your oneness. When Tomas is lifted up, I feel lifted up. I’m right there with him! When he gets a raise, I get a raise. We share a bank account! If I say something dishonoring about him, guess who that also dishonors: me. We are one on the inside. Our lives are shared. When one of us succeeds, we both do. That is what marriage is about.

That brings us to sex. Sex was never designed just to be sex. It was designed as a physical representation and reminder of the oneness that took place on your wedding day. This is why sex is something that’s not to be shared with people who have not made that commitment before God. Marriage is sacred. When you read about a couple having sex in the bible, it reads, “He knew her.” Tomas knows me. Not just physically, although.. I mean, physically, he knows me well, but he knows me emotionally and intimately and he goes there in bed. I let him go there. I have no business letting anyone else go there.

1 Corinthians 7:2-5 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

I’m going to end here, because there’s so much to say about this scripture and it’s what I want to get into in the next post. If Tomas were hearing this scripture, he’d be shouting “HOORAH! DON’T DEPRIVE ME, WOMAN!” But what I wanted to point out is, my body; my whole being on an intimate level is his to know, and his only. I belong to him.

I don’t have to tell you what sex does for you on a physical level, but this is what it says: “I love you. You love me. We are one and we’re in this together, forever.”

We need this reminder. God knows we need to come together as a couple to remember why we are sharing a bed together in the first place, especially after a stressful day of errands and late appointments or, brace yourself, even more-so after a disagreement!

Don’t let me fool you. I’m preaching to myself.

Guys, I’m in so much trouble. Just wait until my husband reads this.

Til next time,

G’night.