The Christian in My Conservative

As the holiday season rolls in, I’ve found myself once again in this overwhelming state of reflection and thankfulness for all I have. The provision that’s been provided to my family and I is immeasurable and sometimes causes me to pause and thank God at random times. 

I remember one night last year, reading in the dark and quiet with my feet propped up on the couch in front of me. I assume my mind was fixed on what I was reading, when for some reason I looked up and caught the view of what was in front of me: a desk with a candle burning, which was shining light on photos of my kids displayed on the wall above it. I was almost startled by how cozy I was and how peaceful everything felt around me. It was like I was looking at the room for the first time. My living room was pretty, especially in the low light where no imperfections were visible. I remember thinking about how thankful I was that my three kids who were asleep upstairs might never even notice the overwhelming presence of peace that slapped me in the face just then, because they’d never experienced the absence of it. Then, I thought about others outside my walls who, in contrast, might not ever notice the absence of peace in their lives, as they’d never experienced peace to compare it to. That thought is what ultimately motivates the desire in me to reach back and do whatever I can to bring this feeling to someone else. 

But what about the person on the other end? I don’t have to look far to find someone in need, but sometimes often, after identifying an area of need and going out of my way to meet it, I subsequently recognize a behavioral culprit in them as a contributing cause for the deficit in their lives in the first place, and soon, I find that person I helped back in the very same position I worked to help them out of. Taking time, money and resources from my family, and filling my mind, heart, attention and prayers with the status of someone else’s life, is and will forever be worth it for me, and a small price to pay in order to watch someone cross over from bondage and lack into peace. But, watching them take that sacrifice of mine and throw it away to end up exactly where they began is both infuriating and sorrowful, sometimes more sorrowful for me than the person! Why? This person can’t fathom the rewarding life on the other side. I am on a journey of learning when and what to give of myself, being careful to use the correct resources for a more positive outcome. Is every person worth it? Yes. Every. Single. Person. Will every person always benefit from me providing a need? No, and giving without proper evaluation of the situation and mindset of the recipient might set them back and waste a resource that could positively affect them or someone else at another time. 

THIS IS THE CONSERVATIVE IN ME

Recently, I've identified what I think may be the most valuable gift available to give:

GRACE

To be very honest, when you watch someone show up for a free Thanksgiving meal or school supplies for the 3rd, 4th, 5th year in a row, it's easy to look at their weakness with shame. The thoughts cloud me:

“Shame on them for showing up for free food with a pack of cigarettes hanging out of

their pocket.”

“Shame on them for receiving free school clothes when they drive such a nice car. I wish I could afford that car!” 

“Shame on them for depriving their children of an example and the satisfaction of diligence and self-management.”

Then God reprimands me: Tina, they don’t even know. This is a lesson they haven’t learned. 
He reminds me that our shortcomings do have the potential to steal from us, and those who help us, but they will never determine our worth.

And I think back to when I was a child and knew it was wrong to steal, but focused on how unfair it was that my mom never took me to buy all the cool toys everyone else had, so I stole them, and justified it within myself. I think back to when I was a teenager and I knew it was wrong to skip school, but I didn’t really understand the benefits of good grades and how that could have saved me thousands on college and really paved the way to a successful future. I think back to when I was a young mom and I didn’t notice the lack of nutrients I was feeding my kids or grasp the consequences that an unhealthy diet and lack of self control could have on them later in life. I think back to when I based my Christianity on the ties I had created with other godly people, and the disservice that did to my spiritual walk- and therefore my whole life- by substituting a personal relationship with God, with a personal relationship with someone who had a lot of wisdom and would do the praying for me. I think about all the times I’ve been too outspoken about worries, knowing it was something to take control of and put out of my mind instead of entertaining, and how those anxious tendencies have grown over time to affect my kids and their thought processes. I didn’t understand the magnitude.

Thankfully, I’ve learned a lesson or two. How many more lessons have I to learn? I’ll never fully arrive to perfection, and neither will you.  Have I forgotten that we are all just a world of people walking around flawed, making the same mistakes again and again, not even fully aware of the freedom we'd experience if we'd just put our foot down and make the change; make the sacrifice; kick the habit; get the job; open the bible. Grace is everything. The message of Grace is what gives us the boldness to receive salvation, a free gift, and paves the way for maturity and advancement.

I can’t help but think of the people who have helped me to attain peace. How they knew better than I did and knew that I should know better, too. They lived in their own peaceful, pretty living rooms, but stepped into my chaos without judgement. They identified my behavioral deficits, but instead of saying, “shame on her,” gracefully accepted me anyway, and wisely used their resources at the right time to grab my attention, causing me to look to them as an example. I pray to always have someone nearby who is a step ahead. I hope that with love in their tone, they look past my mistakes; that they deny me the unfruitful, temporary handout that will enable me to continue on a path that leads to lack, but that they also conserve their resources of wisdom and instruction for a time in my life when I will put it to good use, so that I can do the same for someone else who is seemingly undeserving, when the right opportunity presents itself. And when the right opportunity does present itself, l pray that I will give even when it costs, because it’s not our mistakes that define us. It’s who we haven’t yet discovered we are. 

THIS IS THE CHRISTIAN IN ME