What About Me-Afterthoughts

When I set off on this endeavor to define and uncover the truth about sex, particularly in response to the way culture is writing it for us, I had a specific audience in mind. Although I hoped this message would be spread and talked about to people of both genders and of all ages and different situations, when I imagined the reader, I imagined someone like me.

As for Me: Though my words on paper may seem so eloquently spoken … I’m not really all that smart and fancy. If you know me personally, you know that. I’ve tried my best to seek God about this topic, and to reflect Him, not to portray MY perfect life. Does the Word say not to withhold your body from your spouse? Yes. Have I rolled the other way and ignored my husband when I knew he was desiring my attention? More times than I can count. Often times, I find myself encouraging others in things that I need the encouragement in most. My marriage isn’t roses and chocolates. Actually there’s like, never roses now that I think of it, and we’ve both gotta lay off the chocolate. We bicker, we have day to day pressures, we disagree about the kids, we say things we don’t mean, or don’t follow through on things we promised we’d do. Sometimes, I don’t want to have sex with him not because I'm too tired, but because I'm peeved! There! I said it! This woman I’m describing is the woman I imagined being my audience because in my messy, normal, imperfect marriage, love-making truly is a flame fanner and game changer. As I’ve pointed out throughout the last 3 posts, I believe sex is a tool to aid and support your marriage if used in the right way.

BUT, what if you’re not like me? What if you’re not that audience? I’ve compiled a few scenarios, because I feel these are important things to discuss.

To The Wife Ashamed of their Sex Drive: As I pointed out in the last post, "Fan the Flame", it’s been said that many women have a lower libido than men. Let me rephrase that. I encourage you to research and verify this. It will help you if you’re struggling on either side of this. Studies show that women’s sexual drive often stems from their psychological or emotional realm, whereas testosterone is the trigger for men. Often times, women aren’t in tune with their sexual desire at all until their husband makes the first move, like a kiss on the neck, for instance. It’s very common for a women’s sexual desire to be responsive to their spouse. This is why I said, “Roll your tired body over, it will be worth it.” For me, I don’t always feel like it at first. He usually has to make the first move. The desire is there, but hidden. Many women think there’s something wrong with them because they "never want sex without a bunch of work first". On the other side of that, many OTHER women DO have a strong sex drive. Maybe you’re the wife who always taps your husband on the shoulder and says, “Come here!” If this is you, that's normal! Seriously, Look at 1 Corinthians 7:2-4. He wasn’t just telling the wives to give it up. Husbands have to hear it, too.

To the Wife With the Abuse Husband: Whether your husband is physically harming you, or you’re just so emotionally traumatized from the effects of your relationship that you’re afraid of him for whatever reason, I would not be directing you to give yourself over out of intimidation. Above all else, remember what sex was designed to reflect. “I love you. You love me.” There are special times when it's appropriate for both parties to agree to abstain. I encourage you to seek Godly counseling.

To the Wife Struggling with their Husband's Porn Addiction: There’s too many of you that this applies to. I say that because I want you to know that you’re not alone. I know that this subject effects you in a deeper way than it might affect others. I haven’t experienced your feelings of betrayal. I can only imagine the hay-day that Satan has had placing lies in your head that would have you selling yourself short as you compare yourself to the other women you might see in the videos you know your husband has watched. Out “performing” these sex acts won’t cure what has taken hold of him. It’s so important that you and your spouse understand the difference between connecting intimately, or just using each other’s bodies as a vessel to fulfill your erotic fantasies. It shouldn’t feel like your husband is doing something TO you. It should feel like he is doing something WITH you. This difference is what this entire series is about. If you haven’t sought Godly counsel, I’d encourage you to do it. There are so many like you, men and women, that struggle with porn addiction. It won’t be the bomb you expect it to be when you get it off your chest to a trusted counselor, mentor or friend. If you’re at a place where you feel comfortable engaging in sex, I’d really focus on intimacy. Slow down. Let your actions say what sex is supposed to be reflecting in your marriage. “I love you. You love me. We’re in this together.” You can both overcome with love, prayer and patience.

To the Wife Whose Tired of Doing Right: As I close this whole thing, part of me wants to start a whole new series titled, “God’s Will for Husbands” where I would outline all the things that husbands are SUPPOSED to be doing! HA! I’m sure all of you have plenty of ideas for those posts. The hard truth is, my duties as a wife are not contingent upon whether or not Tomas fulfills his duties as a husband and father. That means I don’t get out of my obligations as soon as he has a bad day or comes up short (No matter how tempting it may be). Withholding sex from your partner isn't an effective way to modify their behavior. I've heard though, that those 15-30 minutes after sex is a really good time to connect and talk to your spouse without the usual distractions. Above all, pray. Prayer changes everything.

On that note, I’m going to finish with this. A couple who are very close to me have gone to hell and back in their marriage over the years in so many ways. I can’t begin to tell you what they’ve walked through. God is doing major work in them, but I know a lot of what they’ve already overcome has to do with the fact that there has been so much honest prayer. Recently, they were at a marriage seminar, where a special speaker called for married couples who needed prayer to come forward. Both this husband and wife knew they were to go up to the alter, but neither moved. Previously that week, the wife happened to have a knee injury. As they stood there frozen, the wife complained to her husband about her knee. The speaker continued with the alter call. “I know there’s one more couple. Where are you? We’ll wait.” Still, they didn’t go up. Finally, the speaker said, “The couple that needs to come forward, I think one of you has a knee injury.” My friends looked at each other and knew they had to overcome themselves and go up to be ministered to.

We like to think that it’s just us in our marriage but God cares for us even more than we care for each other. He's walking out our struggles with us. He was adamant about getting my friends to the altar for prayer. He's just as passionate about you! There's power available for you. Tap into that.

Til next time,

Tina

Fan the Flame

Whew.. okay. I guess this is it. Everything I’m about to share, I really feel needs to be said, and I’m not a person that knows how to be vague, I guess. I’ve tried to write this in a way that is impersonal, but I’m not an impersonal writer and so, now Tomas’ sex life is your business. That’s just the price I’m willing to pay. I’ll find out how he feels about this later. :P

First off, if you’ve been following along, now is about time for the kicker. I know this is going to come as a HUGE shock.

MEN LOVE SEX

They’re sexually motivated! It’s like... their achilles heel. Women, you could probably compare men’s physical receptors to our emotional receptors. The way we women might receive love from kind words or a thought out picnic on the beach, men receive love when we make time for a hanky-panky session at home on their lunch break in the middle of a busy work day. {Want bonus points? Have a turkey and cheese sandwich ready for the road back to work.}

In all seriousness, I truly can tell when my husband has gone a little too long without, but it’s not just him. Men’s bodies were designed to crave sex on a more physical level than women. Let’s see how Solomon and his wife describe each other.

Solomon says:

Song of Solomon 4:12-15 A garden inclosed is my sister, my spouse; a spring shut up, a fountain sealed. Thy plants are an orchard of pomegranates, with pleasant fruits; camphire, with spikenard, Spikenard and saffron; calamus and cinnamon, with all trees of frankincense; myrrh and aloes, with all the chief spices: A fountain of gardens, a well of living waters, and streams from Lebanon.
Song of Solomon 7:6-9 How fair and pleasant you are, O loved one, delectable maiden! You are stately as a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters. I say I will climb the palm tree and lay hold of its branches. Oh, may your breasts be like clusters of the vine, and the scent of your breath like apples, and your kisses like the best wine that goes down smoothly, gliding over lips and teeth.

Their eyes were designed to be attracted to breasts and booties and skin! Oh, how the world has it backwards. “I should be able to wear what I WANT at the beach! Men need to learn to control themselves!”

Okay, you’re right ladies. You can wear whatever you want, and men are ultimately in control of where their eyes and attention go. Yes, men have the responsibility not to give into lustful desires of the women within their midst. But, please understand that there is a strong physical urge that takes place in men’s bodies even from an early age. Do we realize what we are asking of men when we walk in front of them in bikinis? Do we realize what we are doing when we put our children in skimpy clothes in front of them? COME. ON! Don’t put them in that position. I don’t want my husband or son to be aroused by your half exposed booty. Especially since I’m having a hard time committing myself to these nightly squats.  

But a strong sexual desire is a natural, and important thing that God designed. Why else would it be included in scripture? For starters, it’s a way to fan the flame of our marriage! Remember the previous posts? We are here to fulfill our husbands sexual appetites because God knew they would HAVE sexual appetites .

Think about this: While men are jonesing for the physical release that sex provides, women are often looking for the emotional connection first. The orgasm is a glorious reward. Glorious.

Solomon’s Wife:

Song of Songs 8:5-7 Under the apple tree I roused you; there your mother conceived you, there she who was in labor gave you birth. Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away. If one were to give all the wealth of one’s house for love, it would be utterly scorned.

And there you have it. We’ve got a win/win, right? Every marital sex life is virtually perfect because of this trade off between husband and wife. WRONG. Or, maybe I’m the only one who struggles with fulfilling 1 Corinthians 7:5. Remember that one?

1 Corinthians 7:2-5 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

“Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and just for a time, maybe for serious prayer, but then be sure to come together!”

Sometimes I kinda wish I didn’t know any better. Tomas has never rolled over in bed and tenderly whispered in my ear, “Ya know what the Word says. GIVE IT UP, woman!” Unfortunately, he doesn’t have to tell me anything. I already know when it’s been too long. You wouldn’t think it would affect the household that much, but it does. Dad’s mood affects us all. I know what you’re thinking. What kind of spoiled rotten bully of a man throws a fit around the house when he doesn’t get his fix? That’s not what I mean. I mean, literally, men are in better moods when they’re satisfied. I don’t know if he REALLY even knows the difference in his demeanor, but I do.

I asked him once, “How many days do you go before you think your mood or day is affected negatively by not having sex?” It was an honest question following some marriage curriculum we had been watching.

He said, “Of course, a man’s desire for sex is new every day, but by about day 3, watching my wife bend over to get something from the oven or off the floor gets a lot more difficult.” He just gets frustrated. His body really desires it, and he LIVES with me, so I’m just walking around all day, like bait, in a way, and when we go to lay down, and I roll over the opposite way and just ignore him and fall asleep…WOW!

Having that conversation was really enlightening. AND extremely flattering!

The problem is, while yes, we women LOVE the physical satisfaction of sex, it takes us a little longer to get to a physical readiness that men seem to walk around in All. Day. Long. and frankly, no matter how close to Heaven the last orgasm took us, by the time we finish packing lunches, doing the dishes, tucking the kids in, showering, walking the dog, and then re-tucking the kids in, we wonder, do we really need that emotional connection? I mean, how good REALLY is the sex? Better than sleep? It’s kind of hard to remember when the pillow is sooo soft.

Ladies, it’s better than sleep. It really, really is worth missing the sleep. I know you don’t feel like it (at first). Maybe it’s been a little while so it's hard to remember just how good it is, but roll your tired body over and give him everything you have. Tell him you love him. I’m confident that as you make this commitment to consistently serve your husband, you will be SERVED, mind, body and spirit.

One more scripture from the quite revealing book of Song of Solomon. The bride of Solomon sings of her longing for her love. She wanted him desperately! This is the flame that I'm desperate to keep alive in my marriage.

Song of Songs 3:1-4 Restless in bed and sleepless through the night, I longed for my lover. I wanted him desperately. His absence was painful. So I got up, went out and roved the city, hunting through streets and down alleys. I wanted my lover in the worst way! I looked high and low, and didn’t find him. And then the night watchmen found me as they patrolled the darkened city.

“Have you seen my dear lost love?” I asked. No sooner had I left them than I found him, found my dear lost love. I threw my arms around him and held him tight, wouldn’t let him go until I had him home again, safe at home beside the fire.

Recently, our family went to a drive-in for the first time and watched a cartoon movie called “Captain Underpants.” In the movie, I heard a joke. Two cartoon adults had hearts all around them as they flirted while two little cartoon boys looked at them with disgust.

One said, “EWE! They ‘LIKE-LIKE’ each other!”

The other said, “I’ve never seen that in two adults.”

The first again, “Yeah, in all my years of studies, I’ve found it doesn’t happen after marriage.”

It didn’t sit well with me. Marriage is the closest representation that we have of the relationship between Jesus and His Church. We are His Bride. Even with that aside, divorce is real. It’s no laughing matter and the numbers prove that. The devil has a plan to attack YOUR family and split it apart. Driving a wedge between you and your spouse is a good way to do it.

Go on a date. Play rummy after you put the kids to bed. Hold hands on the couch. Make inside jokes and laugh about them when you're surrounded by other people and for cripes sake: Be sure to fan the flame!

Sex in Marriage

I keep trying to skip over this part in my head. It would be a lot faster and easier to go straight to the topic of sex without having to get into the importance of marriage.

Let’s think about that for a second.

{Skip right over marriage and dive right into sex.}

That’s why I have to start here. Isn’t that exactly what the world is trying to do? If we really want to learn all that sex is, we need to start with marriage.

Sex was created for marriage. It was created to support, enhance and reflect the meaning of marriage.

Why marriage?

Several years ago, I was on a plane ride home from Washington D.C. when I learned a life-changing lesson from the Lord about covenants. If I were to go into all I have learned about the topic, this whole sex thing would be stretched way further than I want to go, and I might lose your attention before I even gain it, but if you’re interested, I urge you to study biblical covenants. It may give you an astounding revelation of your commitment to your spouse and children. It has been foundational for me.

Bottom line is this: When God makes covenants (promises), they’re life or death. There is no backing out of it. This should be said about us all. I think we fall short of this so often and easily. Our word should be our bond. Is it?

Marriage is a covenant. It’s a promise that God witnesses-you could say it's a promise to God, Himself, and most definitely to each other that this person you’re taking to be yours, is yours forever. In sickness and health. In trials and triumph. Even when your spouse loses their job. Even when you can’t conceive a child together. Even when they fail to defend you against their family members’ harsh words, or when your teenager starts failing school or taking drugs. Even when the house won’t sell or they become paralyzed. A covenant is a covenant. To God, there’s very few stipulations to nullify a covenant, if any. I believe if we lived by these standards, we’d see a very different world.

The start and end date of a covenant marriage is just a small detail of that covenant. What are you promising to do? I hope you know, it’s not just living together and splitting the bills and chores!

Matthew 19:4-6 And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female,

And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?

Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

Upon the day of your testimony before God, the two of you shall become one. One person to God. Where he is weak, you bring strength. You become your spouse’s right leg, or left arm, and he/she becomes yours. You just happen to live in two separate bodies. If you have a hard time preferring your spouse over yourself, I encourage you to retrain your mind and reorganize your lives to reflect your oneness. When Tomas is lifted up, I feel lifted up. I’m right there with him! When he gets a raise, I get a raise. We share a bank account! If I say something dishonoring about him, guess who that also dishonors: me. We are one on the inside. Our lives are shared. When one of us succeeds, we both do. That is what marriage is about.

That brings us to sex. Sex was never designed just to be sex. It was designed as a physical representation and reminder of the oneness that took place on your wedding day. This is why sex is something that’s not to be shared with people who have not made that commitment before God. Marriage is sacred. When you read about a couple having sex in the bible, it reads, “He knew her.” Tomas knows me. Not just physically, although.. I mean, physically, he knows me well, but he knows me emotionally and intimately and he goes there in bed. I let him go there. I have no business letting anyone else go there.

1 Corinthians 7:2-5 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

I’m going to end here, because there’s so much to say about this scripture and it’s what I want to get into in the next post. If Tomas were hearing this scripture, he’d be shouting “HOORAH! DON’T DEPRIVE ME, WOMAN!” But what I wanted to point out is, my body; my whole being on an intimate level is his to know, and his only. I belong to him.

I don’t have to tell you what sex does for you on a physical level, but this is what it says: “I love you. You love me. We are one and we’re in this together, forever.”

We need this reminder. God knows we need to come together as a couple to remember why we are sharing a bed together in the first place, especially after a stressful day of errands and late appointments or, brace yourself, even more-so after a disagreement!

Don’t let me fool you. I’m preaching to myself.

Guys, I’m in so much trouble. Just wait until my husband reads this.

Til next time,

G’night.

Introduction to Sex Education

We see it everywhere. It’s the eye catcher on the cover of our favorite magazines, just the hook we need to get our attention in commercials and it fills our television shows and radio stations. It’s our culture.

I’m talking about sex.

My oldest daughter is nearing 12 years old. This year, her 5th grade health class taught a portion on sex education. Myah and I have already sat down and covered most of everything she needed to know. When I initially asked about the content of the class, her very sweet and well meaning teacher summarized it for me, leaving out a few key points, and then directed me to the office to check out the file if I wanted to look through the entire curriculum. I did just that. The secretary said I was the only one in 20+ years to request the file to take home and view. The only parent in 20+ years! I screened the curriculum and then I asked Myah if she wanted to participate. It’s an important topic, and one that I feel is the duty of the parent, first, which is why I had already filled her in about a year ago. There was nothing in the curriculum that she didn’t already know. There was nothing to hide. She declined. She felt it was personal and she didn’t want to be there while her friends laughed and mocked about it and paraded the idea of sex and genitals around. I applauded her for that. I didn’t feel comfortable forcing her to discuss a personal matter like that, so I let her skip it. We were also the only family in that 20+ years not to participate. Myah spent the next several weeks separated from her friends. While they learned about the birds and the bees, she read in the library or played games. I don’t think the school is doing anything wrong by teaching the class at all. The content of the curriculum is completely correct. It’s just unfortunate that many parents don’t take the time or don’t feel comfortable to sit down with their own children. Sex is an important topic-but not just for functionality and protection.

SEX IS GREAT, ladies and gentlemen. It’s not bad or evil. It was God’s idea. It’s magical.

It affects every area of our lives. Our sex lives have everything to do with our day to day relationship with our spouses. If we would take the time to study God’s word about sex in marriage, it could change our lives. It could change your marriage! It is my commitment to spend the next few weeks diving into this topic with you. I don’t have it all together yet, but so many people have reached out to me and asked me to discuss it and I keep holding off, so I’m just going to take NIKE's advice and just do it. I’ll get some scripture together, and we’ll work this out.

I hate to leave this post without some bit of wisdom, so I’ll end with this. I don’t really enjoy the word sex. I like to think of what happens in our bedroom as love. Sounds corny, right? But it is. Just like when the rainbow was shown to remind us of a promise, sex was created to remind us of a covenant. When you lay with your spouse, have fun, but remember the covenant you made with him/her. You are one flesh for the rest of your lives. This act is a representation of that covenant. This is what they don’t teach you in sex-ed. It’s personal. It’s Holy.

And, well, it’s great. Shh. Don’t tell anybody.

Mark 10:8 And the two shall become one flesh; so they are no longer two, but one flesh.