Fan the Flame

Whew.. okay. I guess this is it. Everything I’m about to share, I really feel needs to be said, and I’m not a person that knows how to be vague, I guess. I’ve tried to write this in a way that is impersonal, but I’m not an impersonal writer and so, now Tomas’ sex life is your business. That’s just the price I’m willing to pay. I’ll find out how he feels about this later. :P

First off, if you’ve been following along, now is about time for the kicker. I know this is going to come as a HUGE shock.

MEN LOVE SEX

They’re sexually motivated! It’s like... their achilles heel. Women, you could probably compare men’s physical receptors to our emotional receptors. The way we women might receive love from kind words or a thought out picnic on the beach, men receive love when we make time for a hanky-panky session at home on their lunch break in the middle of a busy work day. {Want bonus points? Have a turkey and cheese sandwich ready for the road back to work.}

In all seriousness, I truly can tell when my husband has gone a little too long without, but it’s not just him. Men’s bodies were designed to crave sex on a more physical level than women. Let’s see how Solomon and his wife describe each other.

Solomon says:

Song of Solomon 4:12-15 A garden inclosed is my sister, my spouse; a spring shut up, a fountain sealed. Thy plants are an orchard of pomegranates, with pleasant fruits; camphire, with spikenard, Spikenard and saffron; calamus and cinnamon, with all trees of frankincense; myrrh and aloes, with all the chief spices: A fountain of gardens, a well of living waters, and streams from Lebanon.
Song of Solomon 7:6-9 How fair and pleasant you are, O loved one, delectable maiden! You are stately as a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters. I say I will climb the palm tree and lay hold of its branches. Oh, may your breasts be like clusters of the vine, and the scent of your breath like apples, and your kisses like the best wine that goes down smoothly, gliding over lips and teeth.

Their eyes were designed to be attracted to breasts and booties and skin! Oh, how the world has it backwards. “I should be able to wear what I WANT at the beach! Men need to learn to control themselves!”

Okay, you’re right ladies. You can wear whatever you want, and men are ultimately in control of where their eyes and attention go. Yes, men have the responsibility not to give into lustful desires of the women within their midst. But, please understand that there is a strong physical urge that takes place in men’s bodies even from an early age. Do we realize what we are asking of men when we walk in front of them in bikinis? Do we realize what we are doing when we put our children in skimpy clothes in front of them? COME. ON! Don’t put them in that position. I don’t want my husband or son to be aroused by your half exposed booty. Especially since I’m having a hard time committing myself to these nightly squats.  

But a strong sexual desire is a natural, and important thing that God designed. Why else would it be included in scripture? For starters, it’s a way to fan the flame of our marriage! Remember the previous posts? We are here to fulfill our husbands sexual appetites because God knew they would HAVE sexual appetites .

Think about this: While men are jonesing for the physical release that sex provides, women are often looking for the emotional connection first. The orgasm is a glorious reward. Glorious.

Solomon’s Wife:

Song of Songs 8:5-7 Under the apple tree I roused you; there your mother conceived you, there she who was in labor gave you birth. Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away. If one were to give all the wealth of one’s house for love, it would be utterly scorned.

And there you have it. We’ve got a win/win, right? Every marital sex life is virtually perfect because of this trade off between husband and wife. WRONG. Or, maybe I’m the only one who struggles with fulfilling 1 Corinthians 7:5. Remember that one?

1 Corinthians 7:2-5 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

“Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and just for a time, maybe for serious prayer, but then be sure to come together!”

Sometimes I kinda wish I didn’t know any better. Tomas has never rolled over in bed and tenderly whispered in my ear, “Ya know what the Word says. GIVE IT UP, woman!” Unfortunately, he doesn’t have to tell me anything. I already know when it’s been too long. You wouldn’t think it would affect the household that much, but it does. Dad’s mood affects us all. I know what you’re thinking. What kind of spoiled rotten bully of a man throws a fit around the house when he doesn’t get his fix? That’s not what I mean. I mean, literally, men are in better moods when they’re satisfied. I don’t know if he REALLY even knows the difference in his demeanor, but I do.

I asked him once, “How many days do you go before you think your mood or day is affected negatively by not having sex?” It was an honest question following some marriage curriculum we had been watching.

He said, “Of course, a man’s desire for sex is new every day, but by about day 3, watching my wife bend over to get something from the oven or off the floor gets a lot more difficult.” He just gets frustrated. His body really desires it, and he LIVES with me, so I’m just walking around all day, like bait, in a way, and when we go to lay down, and I roll over the opposite way and just ignore him and fall asleep…WOW!

Having that conversation was really enlightening. AND extremely flattering!

The problem is, while yes, we women LOVE the physical satisfaction of sex, it takes us a little longer to get to a physical readiness that men seem to walk around in All. Day. Long. and frankly, no matter how close to Heaven the last orgasm took us, by the time we finish packing lunches, doing the dishes, tucking the kids in, showering, walking the dog, and then re-tucking the kids in, we wonder, do we really need that emotional connection? I mean, how good REALLY is the sex? Better than sleep? It’s kind of hard to remember when the pillow is sooo soft.

Ladies, it’s better than sleep. It really, really is worth missing the sleep. I know you don’t feel like it (at first). Maybe it’s been a little while so it's hard to remember just how good it is, but roll your tired body over and give him everything you have. Tell him you love him. I’m confident that as you make this commitment to consistently serve your husband, you will be SERVED, mind, body and spirit.

One more scripture from the quite revealing book of Song of Solomon. The bride of Solomon sings of her longing for her love. She wanted him desperately! This is the flame that I'm desperate to keep alive in my marriage.

Song of Songs 3:1-4 Restless in bed and sleepless through the night, I longed for my lover. I wanted him desperately. His absence was painful. So I got up, went out and roved the city, hunting through streets and down alleys. I wanted my lover in the worst way! I looked high and low, and didn’t find him. And then the night watchmen found me as they patrolled the darkened city.

“Have you seen my dear lost love?” I asked. No sooner had I left them than I found him, found my dear lost love. I threw my arms around him and held him tight, wouldn’t let him go until I had him home again, safe at home beside the fire.

Recently, our family went to a drive-in for the first time and watched a cartoon movie called “Captain Underpants.” In the movie, I heard a joke. Two cartoon adults had hearts all around them as they flirted while two little cartoon boys looked at them with disgust.

One said, “EWE! They ‘LIKE-LIKE’ each other!”

The other said, “I’ve never seen that in two adults.”

The first again, “Yeah, in all my years of studies, I’ve found it doesn’t happen after marriage.”

It didn’t sit well with me. Marriage is the closest representation that we have of the relationship between Jesus and His Church. We are His Bride. Even with that aside, divorce is real. It’s no laughing matter and the numbers prove that. The devil has a plan to attack YOUR family and split it apart. Driving a wedge between you and your spouse is a good way to do it.

Go on a date. Play rummy after you put the kids to bed. Hold hands on the couch. Make inside jokes and laugh about them when you're surrounded by other people and for cripes sake: Be sure to fan the flame!