When I set off on this endeavor to define and uncover the truth about sex, particularly in response to the way culture is writing it for us, I had a specific audience in mind. Although I hoped this message would be spread and talked about to people of both genders and of all ages and different situations, when I imagined the reader, I imagined someone like me.
As for Me: Though my words on paper may seem so eloquently spoken … I’m not really all that smart and fancy. If you know me personally, you know that. I’ve tried my best to seek God about this topic, and to reflect Him, not to portray MY perfect life. Does the Word say not to withhold your body from your spouse? Yes. Have I rolled the other way and ignored my husband when I knew he was desiring my attention? More times than I can count. Often times, I find myself encouraging others in things that I need the encouragement in most. My marriage isn’t roses and chocolates. Actually there’s like, never roses now that I think of it, and we’ve both gotta lay off the chocolate. We bicker, we have day to day pressures, we disagree about the kids, we say things we don’t mean, or don’t follow through on things we promised we’d do. Sometimes, I don’t want to have sex with him not because I'm too tired, but because I'm peeved! There! I said it! This woman I’m describing is the woman I imagined being my audience because in my messy, normal, imperfect marriage, love-making truly is a flame fanner and game changer. As I’ve pointed out throughout the last 3 posts, I believe sex is a tool to aid and support your marriage if used in the right way.
BUT, what if you’re not like me? What if you’re not that audience? I’ve compiled a few scenarios, because I feel these are important things to discuss.
To The Wife Ashamed of their Sex Drive: As I pointed out in the last post, "Fan the Flame", it’s been said that many women have a lower libido than men. Let me rephrase that. I encourage you to research and verify this. It will help you if you’re struggling on either side of this. Studies show that women’s sexual drive often stems from their psychological or emotional realm, whereas testosterone is the trigger for men. Often times, women aren’t in tune with their sexual desire at all until their husband makes the first move, like a kiss on the neck, for instance. It’s very common for a women’s sexual desire to be responsive to their spouse. This is why I said, “Roll your tired body over, it will be worth it.” For me, I don’t always feel like it at first. He usually has to make the first move. The desire is there, but hidden. Many women think there’s something wrong with them because they "never want sex without a bunch of work first". On the other side of that, many OTHER women DO have a strong sex drive. Maybe you’re the wife who always taps your husband on the shoulder and says, “Come here!” If this is you, that's normal! Seriously, Look at 1 Corinthians 7:2-4. He wasn’t just telling the wives to give it up. Husbands have to hear it, too.
To the Wife With the Abuse Husband: Whether your husband is physically harming you, or you’re just so emotionally traumatized from the effects of your relationship that you’re afraid of him for whatever reason, I would not be directing you to give yourself over out of intimidation. Above all else, remember what sex was designed to reflect. “I love you. You love me.” There are special times when it's appropriate for both parties to agree to abstain. I encourage you to seek Godly counseling.
To the Wife Struggling with their Husband's Porn Addiction: There’s too many of you that this applies to. I say that because I want you to know that you’re not alone. I know that this subject effects you in a deeper way than it might affect others. I haven’t experienced your feelings of betrayal. I can only imagine the hay-day that Satan has had placing lies in your head that would have you selling yourself short as you compare yourself to the other women you might see in the videos you know your husband has watched. Out “performing” these sex acts won’t cure what has taken hold of him. It’s so important that you and your spouse understand the difference between connecting intimately, or just using each other’s bodies as a vessel to fulfill your erotic fantasies. It shouldn’t feel like your husband is doing something TO you. It should feel like he is doing something WITH you. This difference is what this entire series is about. If you haven’t sought Godly counsel, I’d encourage you to do it. There are so many like you, men and women, that struggle with porn addiction. It won’t be the bomb you expect it to be when you get it off your chest to a trusted counselor, mentor or friend. If you’re at a place where you feel comfortable engaging in sex, I’d really focus on intimacy. Slow down. Let your actions say what sex is supposed to be reflecting in your marriage. “I love you. You love me. We’re in this together.” You can both overcome with love, prayer and patience.
To the Wife Whose Tired of Doing Right: As I close this whole thing, part of me wants to start a whole new series titled, “God’s Will for Husbands” where I would outline all the things that husbands are SUPPOSED to be doing! HA! I’m sure all of you have plenty of ideas for those posts. The hard truth is, my duties as a wife are not contingent upon whether or not Tomas fulfills his duties as a husband and father. That means I don’t get out of my obligations as soon as he has a bad day or comes up short (No matter how tempting it may be). Withholding sex from your partner isn't an effective way to modify their behavior. I've heard though, that those 15-30 minutes after sex is a really good time to connect and talk to your spouse without the usual distractions. Above all, pray. Prayer changes everything.
On that note, I’m going to finish with this. A couple who are very close to me have gone to hell and back in their marriage over the years in so many ways. I can’t begin to tell you what they’ve walked through. God is doing major work in them, but I know a lot of what they’ve already overcome has to do with the fact that there has been so much honest prayer. Recently, they were at a marriage seminar, where a special speaker called for married couples who needed prayer to come forward. Both this husband and wife knew they were to go up to the alter, but neither moved. Previously that week, the wife happened to have a knee injury. As they stood there frozen, the wife complained to her husband about her knee. The speaker continued with the alter call. “I know there’s one more couple. Where are you? We’ll wait.” Still, they didn’t go up. Finally, the speaker said, “The couple that needs to come forward, I think one of you has a knee injury.” My friends looked at each other and knew they had to overcome themselves and go up to be ministered to.
We like to think that it’s just us in our marriage but God cares for us even more than we care for each other. He's walking out our struggles with us. He was adamant about getting my friends to the altar for prayer. He's just as passionate about you! There's power available for you. Tap into that.
Til next time,
Tina
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